rollercoaster

Less than 24 hours after having written the last post about things I am thankful for we received some devastating news. We're in a bit of a state of limbo at the moment while we wait for the news to be confirmed or not but among the swirl of thoughts and emotions I have had, I've considered whether the list of things I am thankful for makes a difference. I think there will be points where nothing else matters but I do think these blessings will make a difference.

Thankful

So many things come to mind to be thankful for even just stuffed into the last couple days. We just finished the choir's last (and biggest) Christmas performance for this season and it went off quite well. Tied up in that is gratitude for music, Christmas, the friendships and community the choir has provided, and the opportunity to sing regularly and to play piano just as regularly. Then I spent over four hours yesterday catching up with a best friend and former roommate I haven't had a chance to talk to for several months. Not all the missed news was wonderful but the re-connecting was. Then I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow so I am looking forward to seeing the new baby. Also connected to that I am so very very thankful that I have passed the sickness part of pregnancy and am feeling much better than I had ever given myself hope to believe was possible. Tied with that I was thankful I was feeling well enough that we were able to give the boys birthday parties no matter how small. And I am now getting more and more excited to be preparing for Christmas. I mentioned I'd like a wreath on the door this year and, a couple days ago, picked up a frame for one and some filler. When I got home from our dress rehearsal there was my wreath, hanging on the front door. It was put together more beautifully than I would have achieved. And that is tied to one of the huge over-arching reasons to be thankful: James is starting to be able to handle the effects of his concussion (or at least learning to recognize and work within its limits) and has managed to get a few things done around here (like the wreath) and has really put in a huge effort to stay calm and more positive and even help out! That sounds pretty pitiful but the debilitating effects reach into every corner of our life and overcoming even a part of them is a huge victory!

Kids

I want to write a post looking back at this year but I don't know if I'll find the time! So instead for now here is a recent picture of the three tiny Ts and Chai:

Leaves

Coiled or stretched

Hard to believe it's the same cat!

Name games

This morning a friend of mine posted the link the the following website: Cheese or Font. It's a simple game in which you are given a name and you have to guess if it is of a cheese or a font. It's surprisingly hard but also fun. Looking at it led me to another similar game called Composer or Pasta? This one was easier for me (I actually knew most of the questions) but was just as fun. Makes me wonder who thinks of these things. Genius.

Happy Valentine's Day

These are my birthday flowers but I think they can do double duty here. Such a bright spot in the middle of winter.

Rock on

Pics or it didn't happen

In our ever-increasingly documented lives I sometimes wonder what this'll mean for how we hold memories. I should think this post out and organize it along a discernable thought-line but I just don't have the time right now and if I put off writing about it I will forget the thought in the first place so here goes. As may be quite apparent, I am guilty of sticking a camera in my children's faces on a daily (hourly, sometimes) basis. Over all I don't feel as though this is a bad thing but there have been a few qualms I have felt here and there. I partially take pictures of my boys because photography of a loved subject is part of how I express myself artistically. This is good for me but how does it affect the subjects themselves? I have two viewpoints on this: the first came through an encouraging note from a childhood friend. She said some of the pictures reminded her of what she loved about her childhood and that the boys will likely be thankful to have the pictures when they are older. I love this idea and readily agree with the flattering viewpoint. However, I also have had a few conversations about two different families we knew growing up in which the parents would avidly document the children's every moment and accomplishment. These children are now adults themselves and I remember (in a slightly judgey way) thinking how the children in one of the two families seemed not to be self-conscious or spotlight-seeking but it could not be said of the other family. Of course there are many more factors at play than whether they were familiar with looking down the lens of a camera. At the risk of making this even more scattered than it will already be, I also think about how my own memory is affected by the photographs of my childhood. I sometimes get the feeling that some of my memories are not only coloured by the pictures of the events but also shaped completely. It may not be a bad thing, though. If I remember about a particular birthday party because I am used to seeing the few pictures from it, is it not better than having no memories of it at all? A topic that interests me is the connection of the decline of a powerful memory with the rise of the written word. I know this is likely over-reacting to the increase of documentation to wonder if our children will retain memories at all or if they will simply rely on pictures and videos from the past. But there is likely some connection. Of course memory on its own is far from infallible, as has been demonstrated time and again by greater pens than this... All these disparate while connected thoughts were prompted by an episode this morning when my elder boy sneezed and the younger laughed. After a few fake sneezes and much enjoyment, my older one asked if we could put it on facebook. Except I hadn't been filming the exchange. I do try to capture some of the more charming moments of their lives and interactions and I do usually post the short clips for adoring relatives (and friends) to view if they feel so inclined. However, I hadn't realized the extent to which my boy had come to expect this. Also I'm a little unsettled that he recognized a potential Kodak moment and expected it to be captured. I hope that when he is aware of me posting pictures and videos for loved ones to view he is also aware that it is in the spirit of sharing rather than that of showing off. I have known kids to say "Look at me, I'm so cute! Take a picture of this!" and have shuddered. Heaven forbid mine should ever do likewise! I try so hard to pass on the right attitude about things to my kids but just hope that I am not sending mixed messages simply because I love taking pictures. Seriously, do I need this many pictures of the same moment? Of course I do!

Our Vile Bodies

I have read several good articles recently about various topics of interest to women. Aside from the general nature of the articles the topics were dissimilar. However, I noticed a general tendency in all towards affirmation of the beauty of a woman's body despite the messages society bombards us with about what we should look like to be happy. I think I have my parents and wonderful friends/community and finally my husband to thank in large part that I hardly relate to feeling the need to conform to such ideas. I don't mean to say that I have never wished for a more beautiful face or body or bemoaned the fact that I was awkward-looking. I spent my share of time in the mirror trying to see at what angle my cheeks would look less chubby. But I never remember - however high or low I figured myself on the scale of outward beauty - taking that impression as reflective of or the source of my worth as a human being. I had no idea how much I had to be thankful for that! I still don't have a perfect attitude towards my body keeping in mind the balance of its fallen nature with a chance for redemption but at least I don't feel as though I have too much other baggage to lay down before working on a proper attitude about it.

Today's fishing spot

James caught this one today.

facebook envy

A friend of mine posted this article on facebook: Stop Instagramming Your Perfect Life. I found it to be a well-presented argument for using technology to connect rather than compare ourselves with others. I have heard of facebook envy before (although I can't really say I've felt it, thankfully) and I have considered posting fewer pictures of my boys in case they be a cause of such envy. But I get so much positive feedback (quite a bit in real conversations rather than simply 'likes' or comments) that I think the joy they bring more than compensates for the potential for someone to feel envious. I also feel that my friends are more inclined to be happy that someone else is happy than to envy that happiness. I do try to edit out the dirty dishes or messy floors from my pictures but I hope that it has more to do with the aesthetic of the photo than with a desire to hide the not-so-fun part of life from anyone to see. I believe and hope that I am honest and open enough with those I love that there is no room for the distance and disconnect that surely is required for envy. All that being said I am planning on another photo-dump post of my beautiful baby. I was able to get some great pictures in natural light (YAY!) this morning. Please don't envy me but enter into my joy in beauty for beauty's sake. My life is far from perfect but I hope that my photography and posts help illustrate that joy can exist even in a dirty, cramped, light-less, small, basement apartment when love lives there. Okay, that last bit sounded corny but I'll leave it in just because.

Nana

Happy Easter! It may be hard to be happy this Easter, however, because we got the call last night that my husband's grandmother had passed away. She was the last of our son's great-grandparents and the only one living while they were. My Grandma died a few months before Logan was born and was the only other of the great-grandparents even close to being around to see them. I was quite close with my Grandma and grew fairly close to James' in these past few years that I had known her. We would take the boys for a visit at least once - usually twice - a week and always enjoyed it. I am so happy that we were able to spend time with her these last few years. I don't know if Logan will have definite memories of her and I know Walter won't but family is so important and I believe that even if Logan has no clear memory to take away from our visits, I hope that they help instill a good grounding of love and duty for family. I also believe that my boys were helpful in brightening up her day whenever they were there. Nana's mind was just as sharp the last time we saw her as the first even though her body was rapidly deteriorating around it. She had been in and out (mostly in) the hospital for several months now with various complications and complications of complications. It's often the way but she eventually passed in her sleep and, I believe, as comfortably as possible. We all knew it was coming but it still is a shock. I don't know of any way death could come that wouldn't be. We had been planning on visiting her again today but won't be able to. I think, though, it was good that at our last visit we didn't know it would be our last one. I think, too, for Logan that if we had seen her when she was on oxygen and barely able to talk it would be hard to understand/explain and a frightening thing more than a positive visit. Or perhaps he would understand far too much - which could also be a problem. The last couple times we went he didn't want to give her a hug goodbye because she was 'sick'. I don't know where this strange fear came from or what he was really thinking about it but it makes me wonder how much he actually knew. Anyway she will be much missed but I am so very thankful that we were able to spend that time with her.

the boys

I was going to write something to go with this picture but my boy is now awake so I'm going to interact with him for a while instead...

Faces

My crazy kid at times enjoys taping himself with my webcam. The following video is the result of one session. Audio is optional for this one because the only thing audible is James and myself in the background discussing various things we've explained to Logan and whether or not they were warranted at his age... Riveting, I know! Recently I have neglected writing here because I have started a twitter and have been exploring (I think the word is trolling or something?) some of the other social media sites available these days (and probably for the last eon, but only recently in my universe). I originally had decided against having anything to do with twitter but recently having been exposed to it I decided that maybe it was a good exercise for me to try to make interesting statements with a limited word count. I think it's today's equivalent of the heroic couplet. Or something. I would totally follow Alexander Pope on twitter. Also crazy that I had to go back and add Pope's christian name to clarify that I wasn't referring to the Catholic Pope. Also it's nice that I only have a few friends on it and so most of my tweets are written for an abstract idea of an audience. Anyway I know it's a good practice for me because there hasn't been a tweet I've written that I haven't wanted to go over the word-limit and had to work to reduce the wordiness or re-think the content. No one wants to have the verbal runs if one can help it, right? Well maybe back when one was paid per word but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I know that life is about change but I more often expect the changes or events to come gradually with larger ones growing on the horizon until by the time they have arrived they are familiar enough not to seem as large. However, today I have heard of two fairly large changes that have happened to two people who, although not within my immediate circle of family and friends, are close enough to me that I feel as though their events somehow affect my life (which they don't, really, beyond my thinking about them). I am not alone in thinking these two events to be newsworthy - both were reported on. So not only was I surprised by them, I somehow get that little sense of being famous by association that sometimes comes with these things. In the first case I heard (a couple days after the fact) that my cousin and her boyfriend had been in a head-on collision in Quebec. They have both been released from hospital with minor injuries but it sounds as though the woman in the other vehicle is in more serious condition. Here is a link to that story: http://urgence07.ca/?p=9331 I am just so thankful that it ended better than it could have. Accidents happen and they usually come with no warning (or they likely wouldn't happen at all). I mentioned above that I have an expectation of life that most of the events in it will come to me with prior warning but this is a large reminder to me that it isn't always the case. As to the second news-worthy friend-related happening I definitely had caught glimpses of it on the horizon but had no idea of its magnitude or proximity. Being involved in Augustine College I certainly have been privileged to meet a variety of interesting and often borderline famous (within a fairly limited circle, however) people. I also meet some nice people who I never would have thought I would hear about in the news. Imagine my surprise when listening to CBC I heard that Andrew Bennet (a member of the latter camp) had been picked to be the head of the newly-formed federal office of religious freedom! Here's an article on that: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/augustine-college-prof-to-head-harper-governments-new-office-of-religious-freedom/article8806344/ I suppose it has more to do with the fact that, although previously the Dean and professor at the College, when I originally met AndyB he was part of our circle rather than that of our elders. What, you mean someone close to my age has become what's known as successful? How is that possible? Anyway once the surprise wore off it makes a lot of sense and I am truly pleased for him. I think whoever made that decision chose extremely well. And I'm only slightly jealous. Really. Oh, well these pictures are just here to remind me that I have two awesome boys. And that's something...right?

LBD

Aah! Why didn't I stumble upon this closer to the beginning? The Lizzie Bennet Diaries - yet another modern day take of P&P but so different. How is it different? I really don't know how to describe it so you'd just better go look at it yourself. I'm not even part of twitter or some of the other platforms used but the idea is amazing and would have been fun to follow everything as it unfolded (not that it's fully finished yet). But then perhaps I would have bemoaned the wait for new info and episodes. Never happy, I guess :)

Gathering His jewels

Autumn is my favourite season. It has been said (and I usually think it a pleasant thought) that Autumn is a second spring with every leaf a flower. I may have mis-quoted that slightly and I can't remember who said it (and this is a time that I refuse to default to google for my memory but that's another topic) but that's the gist of the quotation. In any case it is a pleasant thought and I do agree but at the same time I think other metaphors are equally powerful in describing the beauty of Autumn and go beyond by exploring the aspect of age that is absent in any springtime metaphors.

This picture, to me, embodies something that I've often felt about leaves but never described or captured quite so well before. When looking at a leaf such as this one in a regular manner it would appear lifeless. The glory of display has left (if it was ever there) and it has fallen into a heap of other seemingly dull dead detritus. But when you see it at the proper angle and it catches the light it becomes a glowing gemstone - something it couldn't be until that moment in time. I could go on about what thoughts this metaphor brings to mind and what lessons I get from this object but I don't have time and I think it might take away from the simplicity of the image.

Family

I grew up in an awesome, wonderful, far-from-perfect, loving, big, supportive, mostly happy family and extended family. We're hopefully going to spend the day with them today (partially weather-permitting) and I can't wait to get back to the sanity (okay, maybe insanity) of it all. I'm feeling nostalgic for the time when I didn't know that family could mean anything else but love. I now know that a family like mine is an extremely rare thing and I mean to cherish it and try to ensure that the family I have a part in making is both a part of it and modelled from it.

This is the first picture we have of the newest bump. We had the second ultrasound this week and thankfully everything looks fine so that's great! With some of the stress lately we were a little worried but looks like he's a strong one.

Calming down

Just when I start to think that I have it together and am doing well spiritually things tend to fall apart. Of course, it's most likely that the cosy feeling that I'm doing well spiritually is my first indication that I'm getting too complacent and have something to work on that I've been happy to ignore. I don't want to go into details but I (one of the calmest people I know, if I'm allowed to judge it myself) couldn't hold it together last evening when faced with an irrational attack. I let myself get upset and, although most of what I said back was true, it probably could have been said better or better things could have been said. There were also things I probably shouldn't have said, too. Thinking back I wonder if part of why I am usually able to stay so calm is because I simply tend to avoid all conflict (and haven't had much exposure to it in the past, either). I usually walk away when I can see something heating up and I usually don't speak up when I know it won't go over well. This stems from my personality and I know it isn't ideal, either. I know that there are times that one must speak up for justice, for truth, to protect another, or various other reasons. The difficult thing is to determine when one should speak up and when one should hold one's tongue. I had an interesting discussion with my mom the other week when she made the observation from something she had read that all forms of strife are rooted in pride - pride stemming from one or both parties. I think this is a useful mark to use to determine whether one is speaking up for the right reason or not. If the reason you are bickering is in defence of your own pride (or if the angry retorts start to tend that way) then you are going too far. I think that it is possible to become impassioned about causes not connected directly with yourself but for the most part another strategy to help keep yourself away from unnecessary conflict is never to allow anger to control your actions and reactions. I believe it's part of any professional fighter or boxer's strategy to remember to stay calm in the heat of the fight.

Of course all of this is easy to write out a day after the fact when I have (mostly) calmed down about it and can look at it more objectively. However, I am writing this out mostly as a reminder to myself and as a way of understanding why I let myself go so that I can (hopefully) act better in the future. I could easily blame it on the pregnancy hormones but I think it'll be more useful to myself to take responsibility and work on improving my weaker areas.