baby photo dump

I know I put a lot of pictures up here but this is less than half of the ones I had taken that day. It's so hard to chose which ones to leave out. Okay, getting tired: that's enough for now...

facebook envy

A friend of mine posted this article on facebook: Stop Instagramming Your Perfect Life. I found it to be a well-presented argument for using technology to connect rather than compare ourselves with others. I have heard of facebook envy before (although I can't really say I've felt it, thankfully) and I have considered posting fewer pictures of my boys in case they be a cause of such envy. But I get so much positive feedback (quite a bit in real conversations rather than simply 'likes' or comments) that I think the joy they bring more than compensates for the potential for someone to feel envious. I also feel that my friends are more inclined to be happy that someone else is happy than to envy that happiness. I do try to edit out the dirty dishes or messy floors from my pictures but I hope that it has more to do with the aesthetic of the photo than with a desire to hide the not-so-fun part of life from anyone to see. I believe and hope that I am honest and open enough with those I love that there is no room for the distance and disconnect that surely is required for envy. All that being said I am planning on another photo-dump post of my beautiful baby. I was able to get some great pictures in natural light (YAY!) this morning. Please don't envy me but enter into my joy in beauty for beauty's sake. My life is far from perfect but I hope that my photography and posts help illustrate that joy can exist even in a dirty, cramped, light-less, small, basement apartment when love lives there. Okay, that last bit sounded corny but I'll leave it in just because.

complex grief

It's been a tough week but over all a good one, I think. For some reason because she wasn't my biological grandmother and I only knew her the past few years I somehow get the feeling at times that I don't have the right to grieve fully. However, as much as it would have been nice to have known her longer, I am grieving for the reasons that I am grieving and it has no relational ranking to others who may also be grieving. But it still makes me feel slightly guilty that when James got off the phone and told me the news of her passing, I was the one who cried and he had to comfort me rather than deal with his own emotions. It's strange also how complicated the grieving process and triggers can be. I grieve because of Margaret herself and our relationship; for her relationship with James and her relationship with my boys because of my relationship with them; I grieve in a different way for the grief of those I love who loved her. Then there are triggers that remind me of the loss of my Grandma three years ago and all the emotions surrounding that time. But human life and relationships are so incredibly complex that I should not be surprised that the emotions surrounding a death are not also incredibly complex. Anyway here are a few pictures of my boys. She would have loved to have seen them (both the pictures and the boys) but anyway.

Nana

Happy Easter! It may be hard to be happy this Easter, however, because we got the call last night that my husband's grandmother had passed away. She was the last of our son's great-grandparents and the only one living while they were. My Grandma died a few months before Logan was born and was the only other of the great-grandparents even close to being around to see them. I was quite close with my Grandma and grew fairly close to James' in these past few years that I had known her. We would take the boys for a visit at least once - usually twice - a week and always enjoyed it. I am so happy that we were able to spend time with her these last few years. I don't know if Logan will have definite memories of her and I know Walter won't but family is so important and I believe that even if Logan has no clear memory to take away from our visits, I hope that they help instill a good grounding of love and duty for family. I also believe that my boys were helpful in brightening up her day whenever they were there. Nana's mind was just as sharp the last time we saw her as the first even though her body was rapidly deteriorating around it. She had been in and out (mostly in) the hospital for several months now with various complications and complications of complications. It's often the way but she eventually passed in her sleep and, I believe, as comfortably as possible. We all knew it was coming but it still is a shock. I don't know of any way death could come that wouldn't be. We had been planning on visiting her again today but won't be able to. I think, though, it was good that at our last visit we didn't know it would be our last one. I think, too, for Logan that if we had seen her when she was on oxygen and barely able to talk it would be hard to understand/explain and a frightening thing more than a positive visit. Or perhaps he would understand far too much - which could also be a problem. The last couple times we went he didn't want to give her a hug goodbye because she was 'sick'. I don't know where this strange fear came from or what he was really thinking about it but it makes me wonder how much he actually knew. Anyway she will be much missed but I am so very thankful that we were able to spend that time with her.

At least you don't have to shovel it...

But you certainly can!

the boys

I was going to write something to go with this picture but my boy is now awake so I'm going to interact with him for a while instead...

Various pictures

I've mentioned previously how I don't want to flood my fb with repetitive pictures of the boys so here are some that I want to post but will only impose on the very few that stop by to read this rather than clogging the newsfeeds of my hoards of friends on fb.

Cats

As I sit here I feel a prickling behind my eyes. It grows and intensifies and they start to fill up. No, I am not about to cry - it's allergies. I never had allergies before and am not too happy to have started them now. They first arrived with little Walter for some reason and, although they have lessened in intensity in the few months since they began (I no longer attempt to gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon at every opportunity and now only consider it from time to time), I have a feeling they are here to stay. Hmm. Yet another reason to dislike having my husband's cats around. Score one more for my Mom's rules during my childhood. Now I know why there were no (shedding) pets allowed in the house. Except now that my brother has (temporarily) moved back into Mom's, his dog has moved in with him. The thought of my mother growing softer while I start to emulate her previous strictness is somewhat disconcerting. Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much...

Chunky Monkey

In a monkey suit...

Faces

My crazy kid at times enjoys taping himself with my webcam. The following video is the result of one session. Audio is optional for this one because the only thing audible is James and myself in the background discussing various things we've explained to Logan and whether or not they were warranted at his age... Riveting, I know! Recently I have neglected writing here because I have started a twitter and have been exploring (I think the word is trolling or something?) some of the other social media sites available these days (and probably for the last eon, but only recently in my universe). I originally had decided against having anything to do with twitter but recently having been exposed to it I decided that maybe it was a good exercise for me to try to make interesting statements with a limited word count. I think it's today's equivalent of the heroic couplet. Or something. I would totally follow Alexander Pope on twitter. Also crazy that I had to go back and add Pope's christian name to clarify that I wasn't referring to the Catholic Pope. Also it's nice that I only have a few friends on it and so most of my tweets are written for an abstract idea of an audience. Anyway I know it's a good practice for me because there hasn't been a tweet I've written that I haven't wanted to go over the word-limit and had to work to reduce the wordiness or re-think the content. No one wants to have the verbal runs if one can help it, right? Well maybe back when one was paid per word but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

I know that life is about change but I more often expect the changes or events to come gradually with larger ones growing on the horizon until by the time they have arrived they are familiar enough not to seem as large. However, today I have heard of two fairly large changes that have happened to two people who, although not within my immediate circle of family and friends, are close enough to me that I feel as though their events somehow affect my life (which they don't, really, beyond my thinking about them). I am not alone in thinking these two events to be newsworthy - both were reported on. So not only was I surprised by them, I somehow get that little sense of being famous by association that sometimes comes with these things. In the first case I heard (a couple days after the fact) that my cousin and her boyfriend had been in a head-on collision in Quebec. They have both been released from hospital with minor injuries but it sounds as though the woman in the other vehicle is in more serious condition. Here is a link to that story: http://urgence07.ca/?p=9331 I am just so thankful that it ended better than it could have. Accidents happen and they usually come with no warning (or they likely wouldn't happen at all). I mentioned above that I have an expectation of life that most of the events in it will come to me with prior warning but this is a large reminder to me that it isn't always the case. As to the second news-worthy friend-related happening I definitely had caught glimpses of it on the horizon but had no idea of its magnitude or proximity. Being involved in Augustine College I certainly have been privileged to meet a variety of interesting and often borderline famous (within a fairly limited circle, however) people. I also meet some nice people who I never would have thought I would hear about in the news. Imagine my surprise when listening to CBC I heard that Andrew Bennet (a member of the latter camp) had been picked to be the head of the newly-formed federal office of religious freedom! Here's an article on that: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/augustine-college-prof-to-head-harper-governments-new-office-of-religious-freedom/article8806344/ I suppose it has more to do with the fact that, although previously the Dean and professor at the College, when I originally met AndyB he was part of our circle rather than that of our elders. What, you mean someone close to my age has become what's known as successful? How is that possible? Anyway once the surprise wore off it makes a lot of sense and I am truly pleased for him. I think whoever made that decision chose extremely well. And I'm only slightly jealous. Really. Oh, well these pictures are just here to remind me that I have two awesome boys. And that's something...right?

Walters

Lately Logan has been calling Walter 'Walters'. I wasn't sure if he was just confusing the genative with the nominative case but then I've noticed him adding an 's' to the end of several other words. These might in their turn be explained as a confusion of the possessive or plural form except that one of these words is 'kitchens' and I know of no house or time in which we could speak of there being more than one. It reminds me of Mr Collins' words: "I say 'staircases' because there are several, and each - in its way - very fine!" But this is all to say that he has not picked up the final 's' from hearing us use it so it has me wondering why this has developed. I'm sure there is some linguistic explanation. In any case it's pretty cute and I doubt it will in any way impede his linguistic development or relationship with his brother so I'll just enjoy it while it's here and remember it when it's gone.

LBD

Aah! Why didn't I stumble upon this closer to the beginning? The Lizzie Bennet Diaries - yet another modern day take of P&P but so different. How is it different? I really don't know how to describe it so you'd just better go look at it yourself. I'm not even part of twitter or some of the other platforms used but the idea is amazing and would have been fun to follow everything as it unfolded (not that it's fully finished yet). But then perhaps I would have bemoaned the wait for new info and episodes. Never happy, I guess :)

lighting the corners of my mind

Yesterday James was home most of the day (going out to work in the evening instead) so we had a cosy home day. We didn't do much but at the end of the day I thought back through the memories and realized that there were some lovely moments scattered through the day. I also realized from some of the things Logan is now doing and interested in that his age is similar to what mine was in some of my earliest memories. Not that what we've done before isn't important but it made me realize in a slightly different way that this is Logan's and Walter's lives and childhoods beginning, not just my life and parenthood continuing. It also made me realize Logan's much more a kid than a baby now. He took the couch cushions off and made a fort with his stuffed animals and I thought: of course. No one has to show children how to do it or tell them that it'll be fun - they apparently know innately.

We went to the science museum another day this week and spent the majority of the time on, around, and looking at the trains. Not that I'm surprised, they are pretty awesome! Apparently when Mom would take us as children the trains were our favourite part, too. Even Walter was fascinated. Whether or not these are Logan's earliest memories, I am certainly enjoying all the various things we've been able to do recently.

I love watching James with Logan. Even the smallest activities they do together are lovely to watch: having his Dad cut his hair again (in this house, cutting hair is a guy thing), using the scroll saw to cut out the shape of a rocket ship in wood and painting it together, cleaning up spilled milk (with no crying) and then mopping the floor excessively because it's fun to run it up and down the hallway (with the mop, of course). Even the way they interact while James gets Logan's supper or a snack ready is heartwarming. I saw a sign with the following saying: the only thing better than having you as my husband is our children having you as their dad. Okay, I usually avoid the sappy but this one applies so well to the dynamic at this time. It's just good for me to remember that I don't have to be the primary parent - there doesn't have to be a primary parent. We both contribute different and similar aspects as parents to this family and it's so interesting to see these dynamics play out.

And the day of little memories was finally complete when I curled up with my boys and read a good book to them. There are tough aspects to parenting and days I want to scream but then days like these go a long way to make the bad parts fade and disappear. Oh, and smiles like these don't hurt, either.

PJ boys

Getting them both to look at the same time can be difficult...

but the results are usually fun whether the do or not.